Hard Time

Hai and Assalamualaikum. Today I want to write about how I feel today since I got nothing to do. Hope you enjoy it. This entry might be a short one, well who knows?

So basically today, I just finished one of my final exams, this paper is the one who I have to repeat. The sad thing is I couldn't answer the paper well as I should be. The exam was tough cumanya I was not prepared mentally and physically. I didn't know it would come out the other thing.

After the exam, I sleep till 6p.m. I know this is not right, but I just want to rest. Everyone is leaving me. My other housemate is going back. My other one too is getting busy packing her things up. What makes me sad is leaving me alone. You know, I really can't survive to be alone.

When I woke up, I asked my housemate does she want to eat buttermilk chicken because I want to cook for us. She said no, honestly it makes me sad. I hardly accept the rejection. I knew I should be chilled and relax. It is just a small matter to anyone. I can't. I really feel sad whenever I got a spirit to do anything and people just push me away or want nothing to do with me.

Other than my housemate, I asked 2 of my friends, if they want to join me but they said no too. I feel triple sad. It is really hard for me to accept. I know I have to do it so. But yes, it is so hard. It's like accepting the rejection is the hardest for me.

I'm truly sorry for being this difficult but I didn't mean to. This is me. I confessed to my bf about it since it makes me sad. I feel like he didn't care about it anyways. None really knows how I feel. Even right now, I'm in the darkroom, without changing my clothes from the exam, and do nothing.

I can't do anything. Everything feels hard for me to do. I feel jealous when all of my friends can smile and laugh like nothing is hard for them. I can't do it. I'm hardly laughing. Smiling pon fake. None really knows and cares how I feel. It feels like I'm basically none to them. Even right now, writing this makes me in tears. But I'm glad that I still have feelings and tears to cry.

I wish I want to be heartless but no. I take my medicines without taking a meal. I've started to lose my appetite which is sucks. I want to do nothing but actually, I have a lot to do. I have to clean the house since my housemates don't bother to clean it. I have to sort things out. I have to wash the toilet. I have to wipe things. I have to sweep the floor. I feel like I'm taking a burden from everyone.

I'm not complaining but I just want to say, I want to be appreciated with what I've done to anyone. Feeling appreciated is the hardest thing to get to me. I feel like none appreciates me too. I just keep quiet about it like it's not a big deal to me. Anyways, I'm just gonna fake a smile and live. If I don't want to live, well, it's all up to me too. Goodbye, thanks for reading this.