Hai and Assalamualaikum, for the second entry of today, I would like to share with you guys about 'A difficult time in my life' that is still fresh in my mind. It will take time to share about this entry but I will try my best to get it done quickly. I really hope it will give benefits to others.
To be continued.
Hello, I know it's been a while I don't post some entries. I had busy days which made me hard to write and I couldn't think well to write anything. I am very sorry about that. Things were hard for me to handle and I had to stay away from the blog too. So today, I will try my best to write about the challenge. I will try my best to share with you guys in the easiest way to understand.
Day 11 - A Difficult Time In My Life
As you guys know, I have been suffering from
dysthymia. You may read any info about depression on
mental health labels. So, difficulties that I have been through at high school are like carrying over to years. Okay, I'll tell you about it.
In 2016, saya sambung belajar for a diploma at UiTM Jengka. I've been depressed since high school but did not get any treatment or help from professionals. So bila masuk tu, I decided to change myself into someone I am not. I did not know what happened but I become hyper and nothing made me tired. At that time actually, I was having an episode for a bipolar which is a manic episode.
I joined SUKSIS and Silat Gayung Malaysia at the same time untuk hilangkan rasa depressed while everyone didn't know that I was depressed. Dalam masa tu jugak, I met my ex boyfriend, Acap, he was a nice guy but we both broke up in the first semester because of me also. He was having a hard time since he lost his only brother and I was mentally unstable but still nak ada relationship since he was into me because of me and he was a nice guy and until now I still adore him.
Kiranya, beban on me bertambah, things from high school I still carry at that time and could not let it go. Ditambah dengan break up, I go manic and went out with my guy friends until up all night. Sampai lah one day, something hit me hard until I go depressed really hard which turns the episode to depressive one sampailah sekarang. That is why when I was diagnosed, my diagnosis is bipolar type 2 - depressive disorder one.
Beban yang I pikul from high school is susah saya nak let things go which is I was bullied sexually and harassed by mental and physical. I was having trust issues with guys which leads to depression too. It is connected to a borderline personality disorder that I am suffered from. People in high school were mean and at that time, ask.fm was famous and someone harassed me in sexual ways anonymously. I could not move on since I was getting hates a lot.
The main difficult time in my life is when a thing hits me down is I was training for Silat and sparring with an older guy in the group and I broke my arm because of him. Because it happened, I went depressed like I could not function as a human.
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| Kiri, my broken arm was forced by the Xray crew to be straight until I cried for hurting so much. |
This is a picture of my broken arm. The diagnosis is Alleged Sports Injury with Closed Comminuted Fracture of Midshaft Right Humerus. I was hospitalized at Hospital Temerloh for having a serious fracture that was needed surgery but I did not do it because of my complicated saraf - saraf in my arm which was nearby at my broken bone.
At that time of me, parring was at 10pm and went to Hospital Jengka for treatment and received it at 2 am because of the ER was having two major cases which were accident teruk. I was waiting for the Xray and found out that I needed to be transferred to Hospital Temerloh.
I was alone with this kid who was from Thailand studying at maahad nearby Hospital Jengka in the ambulance. He was sick with the appendix and I sat on the sofa next to him and my coach and seniors were following me with a car. Got the treatment at ER alone in yellow zone which is separa kritikal.
Then, I was transferred into a ward at 9 am and saya di bius with morphine, the painkiller that is used for something critical if I was not mistaken. Sumpah high gila time tu, sampai mamai cakap dengan doktor bila nak tukar simen tangan sebab kat Hospital Jengka, MA dia salah buat and buatkan my broken arm lagi teruk.
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| This is waking up after being anesthetic by the morphine. |
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| My roommate and SUKSIS friend came for a visit. |
Jadi doktor pakar tengok tangan saya semua and tukar simen. At that time, I told to my doctor for not being rough to me while doing my simen, I heard my broken arms moving around which scared me. My parents came to Hospital after that and wanted me to be transferred to Hospital Putrajaya.
So I went to my hostel to get my stuff and went home with 2 weeks MC. I wore the arm cast for 2 months and been suffering depression after that even though I was training for SUKSIS. I had to face my SUKSIS coaches who kinda hate me for being active and were not their favourite. I had to deal with things that are hard for me until I lost myself.
Maybe I was depressed that was why I felt like that. One of my coaches came for a visit and brought my friends to visit me at the hospital. I was so thankful to have them. I hope they will be blessed by Allah all the time. You know what is the worst?? I had to sleep without laying down. Just sleeping like the pic above. Letak bantal and tidur time duduk. It happened for 3 weeks tau. Then I forced myself to sleep half sitting pulak.
I hurt myself a lot and lost a lot of friends. I cut off everything, my old friends, my current friends. I went to be an introvert person but an extrovert to someone who I am comfortable with, like my boyfriend or housemates. I became someone I am not also when I am in a depressive episode. I lost a lot of weighs until I reach 48 kg. Thank God, currently, I am in manic episodes which makes me hype and gain a lot of weight which is good since I was underweight.
To conclude, I have lost and gained a lot through the difficulties that I have been through and since I already seek help from professional and under medication, it helps me a lot and I try my best to change into someone better and correct myself for mistakes that I have done to my family, my friends, my boyfriend and myself.
It is time for myself to redeem and recorrect everything in my life. I really hope you guys can pray for me to achieve something I want in my life. I hope also that I won't turn into depressive episodes again or I might lose myself again. I hope this entry will open your eyes to people who have depressions and been through shits a lot. Thank you for taking the time of yours for me.
