Hai and Assalamualaikum. Hari ini saya nak share tentang my thoughts since my boyfriend tak nak bagi attention and tak nak spend masa untuk saya untuk saya bercerita. It hurts a lot tapi nak buat macam mana. Saya dah penat nak merayu dekat dia untum dapatkan perhatian.
Last night, I texted him banyak banyak tapi he replied to my texts lambat gila. Serious rasa turned off sebab nak bercerita sungguh sungguh tapi dia macam tak kisah. Harapnya saya masih boleh bersabar dengan dugaan ni. Penat sebenarnya nak makan hati tapi nak buat macam mana kan?
The thing yang I wanted to tell him about my money. The story was really like shocking to me and I wanted to share how excited I was tapi malangnya dia tak peduli. Saya tak nak bergaduh lagi. Cuma layanan dia sangat cold sampai I'm hurting myself in trying to fix our relationship.
Ceritanya macam ni; yesterday, saya and kawan kawan saya baru balik ke Penang. Saya pergilah ke bank islam nak cucuk duit. After that, ada a guy ni berdiri tegak tepi bank dengan kotak derma. I put RM1 in the box. Mulanya rasa macam hm dah lamanya tak bersedekah. Padahal kena lah yakin Allah akan balas setiap tindakan kita. Pastu saya pergi makan.
We had our dinner at Nasi Lemak Pandan Mama if I'm not mistaken. The whole day, memang I'll post on my instagram story pasal makanan yang I eat with ny friends. Then, my other friend replied to my story and wanted to tapau nasi lemak 5 bungkus.
I bought them for her. Pastu after I went to UiTM, I let her know saya dah balik. Then dia ambik nasi lemak and makan. Later, I was doing my slide for presentation, she texted me she left some money for me sebab dah belikan nasi lemak. She gave RM 4.50 as my transport fee.
Why am I shocked because Allah terus bagi cash to me after derma RM 1. I wanted to share with my boyfriend tapi he didn't care. So I hope this can help me ease my pain.
Sekarang ni, whenever I'm in pain, dada rasa sakit sangat, susah nak nafas, bila jumpa doktor, nak tanya, if I have clinically anxiety. Tapi tunggu jela sebab lagi sebulan appointment. Even right now rasa tak okay, hopefully I can move on or be heartless.
I'm tired of doing my best but still not enough. I want to be appreciated and loved like others. But will I ever appreciated later? I don't know.
p/s things got worse when I layan my depression and always being selfish. Dulu selalu gaduh cakap my boyfriend selfish apa semua. For now, I realized, I yang selfish, I yang toxic, I yang entah apa-apa. Terbaca conversation lama dekat hangout google. Benda kecik pon saya akan argue and sekelip mata je tak nampak terus effort yang my boyfriend bagi. Terus tak boleh nak dengar his explaination.
I toxic. I want to change myself tapi susahnya. Sekarang ni tengah belajar memahami my boyfriend. Text him when dia tak busy sangat. Saya rindu sangat - sangat dekat dia. Rasa nak menangis je rasa. Bila baca convo lama, rasa macam what have I done for the past 2 years ni? Kenapa I treat him like a fool. Kenapa aku kejam sangat dulu?
Now, everything dah lain. He's treating me so cold and I feel distant je makin hari. Rasa ada gap besar. I don't know how to help us. Sayang sangat-sangat tapi tak tahu nak betulkan apa. Bodohnya rasa :( Tak boleh nak tolong diri sendiri. Someone, please help me?
Sekarang ni, whenever I'm in pain, dada rasa sakit sangat, susah nak nafas, bila jumpa doktor, nak tanya, if I have clinically anxiety. Tapi tunggu jela sebab lagi sebulan appointment. Even right now rasa tak okay, hopefully I can move on or be heartless.
I'm tired of doing my best but still not enough. I want to be appreciated and loved like others. But will I ever appreciated later? I don't know.
p/s things got worse when I layan my depression and always being selfish. Dulu selalu gaduh cakap my boyfriend selfish apa semua. For now, I realized, I yang selfish, I yang toxic, I yang entah apa-apa. Terbaca conversation lama dekat hangout google. Benda kecik pon saya akan argue and sekelip mata je tak nampak terus effort yang my boyfriend bagi. Terus tak boleh nak dengar his explaination.
I toxic. I want to change myself tapi susahnya. Sekarang ni tengah belajar memahami my boyfriend. Text him when dia tak busy sangat. Saya rindu sangat - sangat dekat dia. Rasa nak menangis je rasa. Bila baca convo lama, rasa macam what have I done for the past 2 years ni? Kenapa I treat him like a fool. Kenapa aku kejam sangat dulu?
Now, everything dah lain. He's treating me so cold and I feel distant je makin hari. Rasa ada gap besar. I don't know how to help us. Sayang sangat-sangat tapi tak tahu nak betulkan apa. Bodohnya rasa :( Tak boleh nak tolong diri sendiri. Someone, please help me?
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