A Letter To Someone

Hai and Assalamualaikum, sorry for not updating a new entry about this challenge. Yesterday was hard for me since I'm taking medicine at night and at the same time I have a night shift work. I was so sleepy even at my workplace I already fell asleep with mouth opened haha and I did not know what happened. When I was going home, I was still sleepy and could not do anything.

Day 5 - A Letter To Someone

I'm choosing this letter for my boyfriend because I have so much to say to clear a lot of things between us. So I hope he will read this and understand the situation.

Dear Anizam, my beloved boyfriend, 

I'm here to write because I want to make things right for us and having another chance for me to love you, to make you happy, to make you smile, to make you laugh, to create memories with you and to be your girlfriend again. Yes, I want them all.

I know you've been hurting because of my behaviours, my abusing acts, my shitty attitude. I hope you realize that I was like that, not because I wanted it to but I could not control it well. I've changed too, I was still bluntly talking things out truthfully without making sure you were alright with it and again, I'm hurting you a thousand times until you cannot take it anymore.

I know you've been always accompanying me to the hospital past a few weeks ago. You still did not know what I've been suffering because I did not tell you about it and you also did not ask for it. I am going to talk to you about it and it affects me and us a lot too.

I've been suffering dysthymia, bipolar disorder type 2 and borderline personality disorder. Yes, I am going to talk about those and clearly state how those make them hard for me that affects us. I hope you'll understand and give me another chance for us to start over again.

Dysthymia

Bipolar Disorder Type 2

Borderline Personality Disorder

I know I've been complicated all this time and I really regret what has happened between us. It is hard for me to be mentally stable. My effort to being healthy, I never skip taking medicine every day. I even try my best to stay calm and patience. I hope you realize that I am really trying my best.

I don't care if you want us to stop or give up on me. I know this is what I deserve. I just want you to know that you are the best person ever comes into my life. I hope you had a great time with me as well. I appreciate your decision this time to stay or leave.

I won't stop writing a diary for you. Please, let me know what I've been hurting and how can I do to make things right for us. I want us to communicate well. Even when we won't be together. I guess that's all from me. I'll write to you next time.

Take care, Sayang.

p/s we were fine actually but I was overthinking and feeling anxious about my relationship. Thank God everything that messed up in my head are gone for now.

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Describe My Partner

Hai and Assalamualaikum so for today I would like to share with you guys about my beloved boyfriend, Nizam. He is the only person who I really love and care about. You may skip this entry if it annoyed you with my lovey-dovey entry.

Day 4 - Describe My Partner

Nizam and Willy

Name: Ahmad Anizam Ahmad Almi. 

House: Sungai Buaya, Dungun

Birthdate: 23.10.1998

He is the most amazing person I've ever met. The kindest person I know. He loves to sacrifice himself for others to make things easier for everyone. The most clingy son ever. He loves to hug his mom. The best son I guess. He never complains about things. He'd be quiet even things are hard for him or uneasy to him. He's really smart, especially in Maths.

He really loves games until he'd rather lose me for the games but I love him anyway. He's the most patient person I've met other than my dad. He'd never be mad at me even I made a lot of mistakes. Omg, I'm in tears because I too miss him too much.

He's always the positive person on everything. Whenever I had rough times like my ex-housemates were not cleaning the house, I did that alone and complained to him while crying, he was always there for me, through pain, sadness, anger, happiness and other things I could remember.

He's always the humblest person, even things he did were amazing and he still thinks it was nothing. I love the way he keeps himself cool. Yes, he is so cool. He's the best listener I've had. The most understanding person. My best listener. My forever listener too. He'll just listen to everything I said.

He won't judge me for being myself. Even I look ugly, or being impatient or get angry. He will accept me anyway. He's always taking care of me when I'm hungry, he will buy food for me for breakfast. He will take care of my craving or wanting even we both did not have much money. I really miss those times. We both were reckless of managing money but still can survive.

He's always wanting to eat the food I made for him. He won't complain about the taste which is good or bad. He'll eat it silently. I love spending much time with him on food. He really loves chocolate. I still remember having our first chocolate indulgence cake, he really loves it.

He's always my driver to anywhere I want to go. The best driver ever, the one who lets me sleep on his lap, the one who lets me singing out loud in the car, the one who lets me give peck of kisses on his cheeks every time, the one who does not care about me tickles him and being clingy in the car. I miss them so much. He never complains of those.

He smells so good and I always kiss his shoulder a lot to smell him a thousand times. I don't know what perfume he is using but I always want his shirts or sweater for his smells. I love it so much and he never complains about it too.

He always wants to walk me to accompany me in the dark because I'm scared. He'll let me talk in the dark until I feel tired and we both will smile because of the gasps. I'll still remember us walking pass-through the rugby field and walk through medec and uwais. Walking next to the library to get to van kuning. I miss those too.

I love it when you accompany me to sleep when I sleep alone and scared of the dark. We were on a video call and talk less until we both fell asleep. He is always saying he will end the call after I sleep but in the end, he fell asleep first haha. He's so cute.

There are too many things he has done to me, he gives an impact to my life, he gives me love, happiness, attention and care. I love everything about him and there is none could be him. He is my one and only Nizam and my forever boyfriend.

Sayang, I will always wait for you. I will always pray for you, for us, for our families. I know we have been through some shits because of me, but please know that I'm trying to recover from this mental health and be the best girlfriend, best wife, best friend and best girl for you. I will always love you forever and none can change that. Take the best care of you Sayang. I'm always here for you.

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My Current Relationship

Hai and Assalamualaikum, so for today, I would like to share with you guys about the second question of this blogger challenge which is 'Your Current Relationship.' Saya akan sahut cabaran ni untuk jawab soalan dengan details. So, day 2 with a blogger challenge.

Day 2 - My current relationship

To be honest, I am not sure whether I am taken or just single. I had a fight with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago and I asked for a breakup since he hurt my feelings unintentionally. He did not read my messages on Whatsapp at all and ignored every my calls. I don't know if he intended to do that because of giving up on me. His phone ada masalah and cannot touch the screen at all. He did not search for me or make an effort to contact me.

I messed things up a lot and I am really inconsistent in this relationship which makes things hard for us.  I'll update later. I'm crying so hard right now thinking of things that I can't make it right.

To be continued.

I'm not really sure what to talk about. My friends always said if he really loves me, he'd do anything for me, make efforts on us. I always denied them all. He did not know how to love someone and hard to express his feelings to me. I get his love when I'm mentally stable but when something triggered me, I am doomed. I feel sorry for being like this. I did not ask for this happened. I just could not control my mind.

For now, I just keep writing a diary about me talking to him through a paper. I talked to him everything in a diary even though I know, he won't read it. Dulu - dulu, whenever I talked to him in a paper, I'll let him keep my diaries, to read and understand how I feel to him through sadness, happiness or anger. Now, I just hope that he won't give up on me yet.

I always pray for us every time whenever I think of him. He's always been my favourite, the kindest person I've ever met. My kind of person who I've shown my bad side, my good side, the truest colour of me. He accepted me anyways. Too bad, I've taken us for granted just because I can't control my anger, my sadness. It affected us.

So, for now, waiting is the best thing and praying also. It is hard for me to do since I'm not a very patient person but I'll try my best for him. I'm just gonna change into better for him, for myself. I don't want to lose my favourite person. I'll be losing half of me too.

My diary

I write every feeling I feel throughout the day in my diary since Nov 2018. I have a lot of diaries. This one I write every out in here. I hope Nizam realizes that he matters to me a lot as I still love him so much after rough things have been happened to us because of me. I never choose any guys but you. You'll be forever my boyfriend, my love, my sayang. No one else could change that.

 To conclude, I may be single, but my heart is taken by him forever. I even swore to my heart, after him. There won't be anyone. I hope our love will be last, I won't be married anyone but you. You won't never lose me since I'll be waiting for you forever.

Our very first hiking 💞

You might want to read Blogger Challenge #1.

p/s A few days ago, I gave myself the courage to contact him through his father's phone. I texted his father through WhatsApp and his father replied and let him know to call me. We did talk on the phone and I was crying for missing him too much and he laughed because I was being silly. Even though it took only 2 minutes on the phone but I was glad that my boyfriend and I were okay. All I did was overthinking and feeling he did not want me anymore. I even said to him that I thought he does not want me anymore but he laughed because he could not text me for having a broken phone. So, I'll just wait for him to have a new phone. I miss him so much!

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Happiest Day

Hello and Assalamualaikum, I am here to write about my journey for one of the important memories. I feel like wanting to dance around happily because of my boyfriend and I went out for a date a while on 25th June 2019.

First, I want to say I feel grateful for having another chance to be with you. I am writing this to express gratitude for you, Sayang 💓. It has been a while we don't go out since we were arguing a lot and been busy. I know at this moment, I write also we still argue but I don't care because this entry is gonna be the best of memories.

On that happiest day, we went to HOSHAS which hospital I have been receiving treatment for depression. We were having so much time, talking a lot like we never talked before. As usual, you were the one who was patiently listening to my thoughts. Thank you so much for that. We sang songs together while holding hands. It felt so nice and connected. I love it when I kissed your cheeks thousands of times yet you don't complain about me bothering you because I love affectionate so much!

When we arrived at the hospital, we patiently waited for my turn to get my appointment. While waiting, we played Uno cards. I was so happy at that time. You patiently treated me how I wanna be treated like a child. Although I was not a good player, you still gave me to win even though both of us are so competitive.

The best part in the hospital is, there was a woman around 60y/o who waited for her turn too, always tried to talk to us. The thing I won't forget forever is when she thought my bf and I were siblings as our face looks the same. It was funny when we said we were friends, not siblings. She said if we were destined to be together, we will be.

After taking my medicine, we headed to the canteen for my bomboloni doughnuts, as we both were hungry. We walked to our car and ate it while waiting for our car to cool down. Sadly, the taste is not the same as I ate before but we ate it all anyway.

After that, we headed to Selera Patin Bangau at Temerloh. Excuse me, I might write this in improper ways since I am crying right now. Ok kita sambung, awak drive ke tempat makan tu since it was like my favorite food place, I wanted you to try the dishes. It turned out you love it too. Thank you for being a gentleman with me throughout the day. You are always the best.

Next, we went to Secret Recipe because it has a promotion 50% off for the second cake purchased. Since you never ate cakes from SR, I asked you to drive me to the shop. I treated you a slice of indulgence cake. You really love it because it suits your tastebud as you love chocolates so much. I will remember it forever. 

Kiri tu semestinya kek indulgence awak, kanan tu ofc saya punya, NY cheese cake

You looked so happy + handsome af 😍

After makan kek apa semua, awak bawak saya jumpa pergi Tok Ki, walaupon Tok Ki tak ada kat rumah, saya suruh jugak awak tunggu sampai Tok Ki datang and alhamdulillah dia datang. Pastu borak - borak macam - macam dengan Tok Ki. Minum air banyak - banyak sambil makan kuih Mak Cik bagi. Banyak makan sampai kenyang gila. Pastu dia bagi duit raya seorang RM10, banyak gila tapi cukup tampung duit nak bayar kat Haris.

Akhir sekali, kita dah sampai UiTM semua, saya pulak buat perangai, saya minta maaf sangat tapi saya tak boleh nak kawal perasaan saya. Saya nangis banyak - banyak, dah la time tu awak nak pergi tandas apa semua tapi saya still degil apa semua. Tapi awak tak marah pon saya. Terima kasih sudi bersabar dengan saya. Pastu nak tangkap gambar takle sebab muka nak nangis je walaupon awak dah semangat nak tangkap gambar. Apa - apa pon, itu hari yang paling best setelah kita berjauhan almost 1 week tak contact langsung.

Muka lepas nangis haha.

Thank you sayang sebab sudi bersama dengan saya walaupon macam - macam kita dah lalui bersama. I love you sayang 💓💓💓💓

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Lost

Hey guys, Assalamualaikum. I am here to share with you how I feel right now. At this moment, I feel less motivated as usual. Kinda lost, kinda numb. I do not know what to do. I know there is nothing to do about it as if I the only one who can help myself.

It has been a week, I and my boyfriend do not talk, meet up, call and etc. It makes me sad when I have to go through everything alone. What makes me sad even more, this happened to me once with my previous relationship. It hurts when someone gantung yourself tak bertali. Ever heard of that phrase kan?

A lot of my friends want me to cut off the relationship since it is not worth it to wait for. Only a friend of mine, his best friend said, it is normal for a guy to have some spaces to clear up his mind as he does not want to hurt our feelings more when he is not mentally stable. I try my best to understand but I cannot continuously understand. It is hard for me since peristiwa pahit camni datang balik dekat relationship baru camni.

I really do not want to end the relationship, I truly love him and care for him. Even he does hurt my feelings a lot, my anger towards him do not stay long as someone else does. I truly want to treasure him. I know panjang lagi perjalanan hidup, ramai nasihat cemtu and they said I do not have to stay with someone like that forever. Tapi if none is gonna stay with someone like that, why can't I stay as I still love him?

You know, I suck at keeping my anger inside, I am a very honest person, I talk everything out but I feel like this makes our relationship does not work out. Should I just stop giving chances to be a good girlfriend? Should I just give up? I do not mind if he wants his space. Just do not leave me out alone. I am not good at surviving myself. 

I try my best to keep myself at best when he is not with me. But for how long? I want to be a better girlfriend. The one who understands, who supports, who lifts him up every time he is down, the one that gives him peace and let him know he is enough in every way; that for me he is perfect and though he might not see it, I do.

Currently, I feel jealous when my roommate is on the phone with her boyfriend. I know I might not be having a good heart as someone else, but it hurts me when my boyfriend does not care about me. I am struggling with my thoughts on whether I should move on or stay with him?

I am not strong enough to be doing all of these alone. I want to learn to be strong, but not in this state. There are so many things I want to give to him, to create more memories, to learn about him, to accept him in every way, to practice everything with him, to learn life skills. I do not know.

Here is a video of someone who makes me think, waiting is not worth it. I cannot choose anything.

My mind is full of himself until I can not concentrate on my studies. It is my bad trait. I want to change it but I cannot. Are there any chances for us to be with? I really hope we can work out. Just said so when you are done with me. I will try to face and accept it.

Sayang, please don't leave me hanging...

Mind giving me a comment. I would love to hear your opinions in my situation. Thank you for reading. 

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Disappointment

Assalamualaikum, do you guys mind if I vent everything in my mind out. I'm so sad currently and even crying because none is here with me right now. I want to be strong and positive but when it comes at night, everything will fall apart. I don't know what should I do to have some strength for inner self. I recite Quran, I pray 5 times, my heart still isn't at ease.

On that day when I have a presentation about construction, we were just fine. But then I had sore eyes which needed to go to any clinics to check up, I asked him to accompany me but he said tomorrow he will go out with me. Sadly, the next day did not work out too. The evening should be the time we go out. I wanted to go to Pasar Sabtu at 6 pm but he was playing a game.

I was sulking as he still chose the game over me. When he said when we want to go out, I feel angry as to why would he bother to ask me when I tell him where I want to go with him yet he did not care. So we started to have a fight. He did not talk back, just he silently gave up on me, I assumed. Whenever I told him about my thoughts, he will do nothing about it. I also started to give up on us.

I thought to give him space would make it better and I wanted to move on from him too as I think it will be unworthy to stay hold on. But then, I was doing just fine without him for a few days as he did not care for me I assumed.

Tonight, I have a mental breakdown, I miss him so bad even I do not text him at all and he does not too, but I can't stand the silence. So I call him a few times, all are not answered. I do not know what to do. Does he really want me to stay away from him or what? I really don't know.

I feel like everything falls apart is completely my fault. I was mad and couldn't control myself till I talked bad about his father, I admit it. But he clearly acts like how his father does. I don't know. I feel like I want to run away from everything and start over my life without anyone.

I do want to move on, but I just can't. I love him so much but that does not mean I have to be hurting like this all the time. I want to heal myself. Be happy like others. I just can't move on. Anyone, who wants to help me to think better? I'm so confused. We have done many things so many times, and still fighting the next time we make up.

Stay with him or move on?

p/s: update on 19th, he said it was not a big deal since I asked and called him for hundred times. He still ignores my text and replies shortly, but thank God, he just wants his space and rests well a lot without me. I think I am going to stay with him since I still love him a lot, but everything might not be the same, I want to focus on myself. Wish me luck.

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Him

Assalamualaikum, I am writing again because I am so sad until I can cry right away. I have a boyfriend, we have been together for 1 year and 8 months. His name is Nizam. He lives in Terengganu, I would not say in a specific area. I will tell about him in the short story for anyone to understand it easier.

This is our first picture together.

I fell for him at first sight. I went to a new class which is Group C in semester 3. I had to move to the new class because my class was like disbanded. At one evening, I sat in the drawing class with Nad (my roommate) and then he came along with his friends. I totally fell for him till I asked my boyfriend, what was his name. Our first knowing each other was on 23rd September 2017. We talked through WhatsApp and then be together.

In semester 4 I think, we both like had disagreements a lot till I asked him for a breakup. He really did not want it and be there for me till we get back again. But now, he is tired of me already I guess. I think perangai aku dulu mungkin merubah diri dia because masa dulu if I wanted to break up ke apa, he sanggup jumpa aku, bawak aku jalan - jalan supaya tanak kami putus. But now he lets me be alone whenever we had arguments. We are having a hard time so many times. The first year was so great, we did get along so well. I was never crying at all. But now, all I do every day is like crying, makan hati, pendam perasaan. Those are totally not good for me.

To be honest, I am currently sick, mentally unstable. I will tell about it later. Since we argued a lot, he gets tired of me, so he did not care about me as much as he would do. He left me alone, on reading in messages every time. I feel sad whenever he does that to me. It is literally hurting me unintentionally. When I get hurt, I will cry and start to overthink. It makes things go worse when I am mentally unstable. I become so defensive till I said things that I should not have said.

Right now, I am so missing him. I wish I could make things better but I cannot do it alone. It has to be two-sided. I do not know what should I do now. Should I stop talking to him? Should I leave him alone for a while? Should I say something to him? But at the same time, I have been thinking, why would I worry about him, about us, while he did not do anything to make things better. It is like a battle in my mind right now. He said he wants to say nothing since it will make us not fighting. I hate that actually. I want him to keep talking to me.

I miss the good old days, sayang 😔

Sayang, saya tak nak kita putus. Saya tak nak kita jadi awkward. Saya nak selalu sayang awak, buatkan awak happy. Tapi semuanya salah saya sampai kita asyik - asyik jadi camni. Saya minta maaf sangat - sangat. Saya janji macam - macam dengan awak, nak berubah apa semua. Tapi saya still jadi sama. Saya cuba untuk jadi yang terbaik tapi tak sangka ia memusnahkan kita.

 Awak selalu cakap awak punca kita camni, tapi salah. Saya pon punca kita bergaduh. Saya nak sangat awak tolak ansur dengan saya selalu. Saya nak sangat awak rendahkan ego awak untuk saya. Tapi awak tak sedar pon dalam diam awak tengah sakitkan hati saya. Please, kita baiki diri kita and masing - masing sayang diri sendiri and sayang kita berdua. Saya betul - betul rindukan awak.

(1:10pm on 28th May 2019)

Awak still ignore saya walaupon saya cuba betulkan keadaan. Bila saya tanya soalan apa semua, awak still tak nak jawab elok - elok. Seolah - olah soalan saya tu tak bermakna untuk awak. Kenapa kita kena go through this shit again? Tak penat ke asyik nak tolak ansur, turunkan ego semata untuk kebahagiaan yang sementara? Saya tak faham awak, saya tak faham kita berdua. Apa sebenarnya yang kita nak? Cinta atau nafsu semata? Semoga Allah betul - betul tolong kita ke jalan takdir kita. Saya tak nak kita buang masa dan musnahkan diri sendiri untuk benda yang remeh - temeh. Saya harap awak boleh bukak mata, mana yang penting, mana yang tak penting. Kalau saya di bahagian tak penting untuk awak, harap saya tak lewat untuk menyedarinya.

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