Him

Assalamualaikum, I am writing again because I am so sad until I can cry right away. I have a boyfriend, we have been together for 1 year and 8 months. His name is Nizam. He lives in Terengganu, I would not say in a specific area. I will tell about him in the short story for anyone to understand it easier.

This is our first picture together.

I fell for him at first sight. I went to a new class which is Group C in semester 3. I had to move to the new class because my class was like disbanded. At one evening, I sat in the drawing class with Nad (my roommate) and then he came along with his friends. I totally fell for him till I asked my boyfriend, what was his name. Our first knowing each other was on 23rd September 2017. We talked through WhatsApp and then be together.

In semester 4 I think, we both like had disagreements a lot till I asked him for a breakup. He really did not want it and be there for me till we get back again. But now, he is tired of me already I guess. I think perangai aku dulu mungkin merubah diri dia because masa dulu if I wanted to break up ke apa, he sanggup jumpa aku, bawak aku jalan - jalan supaya tanak kami putus. But now he lets me be alone whenever we had arguments. We are having a hard time so many times. The first year was so great, we did get along so well. I was never crying at all. But now, all I do every day is like crying, makan hati, pendam perasaan. Those are totally not good for me.

To be honest, I am currently sick, mentally unstable. I will tell about it later. Since we argued a lot, he gets tired of me, so he did not care about me as much as he would do. He left me alone, on reading in messages every time. I feel sad whenever he does that to me. It is literally hurting me unintentionally. When I get hurt, I will cry and start to overthink. It makes things go worse when I am mentally unstable. I become so defensive till I said things that I should not have said.

Right now, I am so missing him. I wish I could make things better but I cannot do it alone. It has to be two-sided. I do not know what should I do now. Should I stop talking to him? Should I leave him alone for a while? Should I say something to him? But at the same time, I have been thinking, why would I worry about him, about us, while he did not do anything to make things better. It is like a battle in my mind right now. He said he wants to say nothing since it will make us not fighting. I hate that actually. I want him to keep talking to me.

I miss the good old days, sayang 😔

Sayang, saya tak nak kita putus. Saya tak nak kita jadi awkward. Saya nak selalu sayang awak, buatkan awak happy. Tapi semuanya salah saya sampai kita asyik - asyik jadi camni. Saya minta maaf sangat - sangat. Saya janji macam - macam dengan awak, nak berubah apa semua. Tapi saya still jadi sama. Saya cuba untuk jadi yang terbaik tapi tak sangka ia memusnahkan kita.

 Awak selalu cakap awak punca kita camni, tapi salah. Saya pon punca kita bergaduh. Saya nak sangat awak tolak ansur dengan saya selalu. Saya nak sangat awak rendahkan ego awak untuk saya. Tapi awak tak sedar pon dalam diam awak tengah sakitkan hati saya. Please, kita baiki diri kita and masing - masing sayang diri sendiri and sayang kita berdua. Saya betul - betul rindukan awak.

(1:10pm on 28th May 2019)

Awak still ignore saya walaupon saya cuba betulkan keadaan. Bila saya tanya soalan apa semua, awak still tak nak jawab elok - elok. Seolah - olah soalan saya tu tak bermakna untuk awak. Kenapa kita kena go through this shit again? Tak penat ke asyik nak tolak ansur, turunkan ego semata untuk kebahagiaan yang sementara? Saya tak faham awak, saya tak faham kita berdua. Apa sebenarnya yang kita nak? Cinta atau nafsu semata? Semoga Allah betul - betul tolong kita ke jalan takdir kita. Saya tak nak kita buang masa dan musnahkan diri sendiri untuk benda yang remeh - temeh. Saya harap awak boleh bukak mata, mana yang penting, mana yang tak penting. Kalau saya di bahagian tak penting untuk awak, harap saya tak lewat untuk menyedarinya.