The Truth #1

Assalamualaikum, hari ni saya baru je lepas buat cookies, walaupon I made them alone (with Ajin's help but not so much help). I am kinda proud of myself but I am not sure how I feel. It is kinda irritated and tired. None wants to help me. Like I have to ask for help, but not everyone is willing to help. I hate this kind of situation where I do need help but none is helping me. Apa - apa pon, I just made it. Tutup cerita. Tak nak panjang - panjangkan isu yang tak penting ni. 

So, saya nak bercerita tentang one of my secrets that I have been keeping from anyone. This secret is like 1 month of letting none knows. It takes a lot of guts to write this but I want to make a clear statement to everyone around me that I am like this because I am mentally sick. I try my very best to overcome the hardness that I have been through. It is going to be a long story.

On 30th April 2019, I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia), bipolar disorder type 2 and borderline personality disorder at HOSHAS, Temerloh. I was accompanied by Supi (one of my friends, she had an appointment too). I will try my best to explain those and for the detailed one, I will post a new entry. Before I was diagnosed, I want to tell you guys how to get diagnosed to make it clear for you guys. I hope it will give you an awareness of mental health.

2 weeks before an appointment, I had a hard time with my boyfriend which makes my situation gets hard for me to handle. I have been cutting myself with anything that could make arm and wrist bleeds. I would not suggest you guys to google for it. It might trigger your mind or anything. After the hardship happened, I broke up with my boyfriend as actually I pushed him away. I could not think well since I have been depressed for a long time.

First thing I thought of when I broke up, I wanted to make myself better. I told myself, it is time for me to seek help from the professional. It was very hard for me to tell something that I have been keeping from anyone. Even my family, my friends. I was having a hard time since I was 11 or 12 something. I have been cutting since I was 11. It got worse when I am in secondary school.

I went for counseling in UiTM at KMK. It was on Monday, at around 2pm with Puan Anita. I said I want to have a consult about how to control my anger and about mental health. She asked a few questions and at last, I got the courage to tell that I have been self-harming. She asked me to show where did I do it. I had to show her and I cried while showing it because it was hard for me to open up. Nizam is the only person that I have been opening up.

I was asked to take a DASS test which I have taken for thousand times. For those yang tak tahu apa itu DASS, it stands for Depression, Anxiety, Stress Scales. The result of it was as I expected. Puan Anita terus make a phone call to Medec (klinik yang ada dekat UiTM) as it needs to be checked up. She said I have to immediately go to Medec right away after the counseling session is done. At that time, I had to skip a class for meeting a doctor at Medec.

Masa jumpa doctor kat Medec tu, sumpah anxious gila sebab I do not know what will happen next, it is not something I have planned for. Masa sampai sana, I met my old friend, Haris. We talked for a while, he was there for time slip with a medical assistant. He asked about what am I sick, but I could not tell him the truth. I felt bad actually, what can I do to make me less uncomfortable about it. I am sorry to everyone that I have lied to.

Meeting the doctor was fine but I hate it when everyone talked to me about me being a suicidal or doing self-harm has things to do with Iman or whatsoever. I really hate it when they want to relate doing such things could go to hell and stuffs. Personally, to me, for those who were suffering, did not have much choices as they are mentally unstable. They really cannot make good decisions. That is similar things to me. I really hope people out there, mind the little things that you do might trigger their irritating moods or thoughts. Please, think of something that would put you in their shoes.

The Medec has made my first appointment with a psychiatrist at HOSHAS. It made me a bit thrilled since it is my time to recover my mental health. I will continue sharing with you guys about my journey in the next post. Anything you want to know, you may comment down below or chat in the chatbox. Let me know the question in your head. I will be ready to answer those.

For those who are struggling, I pray you will be strong to face the world even if you are alone.

It is okay to feel unstable. It is okay to be confused. It is okay to hide from the world. It is okay to get a help. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to feel whatever feelings you have. Your mental illness is not your personal failure. I love you guys.