Well Done

p/s she is my top bias. So cute la 😍

Assalamualaikum guys, I am here to write about my day today, to be specific is what is the significant memories of today. Personally, I am the type of person who loves to buy things on shopee or anywhere I can buy. Hehe, I buy things that I think I need it. Makes sense tak? It is okay siapa je tak suka shopping? I am not into clothes or footwears, more like accessories cemtu. Tapi saya into saving money too. So it is like win-win situation.

A few weeks ago, I have received an allowance, my very last allowance hehe. I used to join suksis. I will write in details about it someday. Every month, we will receive some amount of money, like we work for a police association. Usually, I will buy for myself skincare products since I am very obsessed with it. I have like problems with my skin face, so I am feeling responsible to take care of it properly. After I have bought them all, I have some money that still is not used. So I decided to buy a Polaroid camera. Hehe, I was proud of myself because I saved up some money to buy it.

Actually, I want to tell you guys that I have saved up money in tabung yang besar and today saya berjaya pecahkan tabung tu and it is my first tabung of my life which I dah simpan since semester 3, currently tengah semester 6, last semester of my diploma. Pray for me that I will graduate on time eh? Hehe. Here is my tabung. Haha I am gonna miss it walaupon susah gila nak pecahkan.

Nampak tak struggle gila nak pecahkan? Bahaya gila sebenarnya nak bukak since it is metal moneybox. At that time, me and my brother nak cari baju raya dekat Bangi Sentral. On the way nak ke sana, saya struggle gila nak buka tabung ni, dari rumah lagi dah try, my brother also tried banyak kali tapi tak boleh. So, bawakla pembuka tin dengan sudu dalam kereta, try bukak dalam kereta. At last boleh haha. Rancangnya nak beli instax film dekat mana - mana kedai kamera using this money. But then terpikir nak masukkan duit ni dekat asb, tapi pergi beli baju raya.

Dalam kereta pulak, struggle gila nak kira duit - duit ni. I was so excited about seeing it. Sumpah rasa macam nak nangis je, betul ke aku simpan banyak ni. It took 1 years and few months nak penuhkan this box. Struggle gila saving, every week dapat duit dari parents, I will masukkan like 10% of received money. Usually, I will put in RM 10 ~ RM20 every month.

Macam mana boleh penuh cepat en? I kan receive the allowance, so I put some of it (usually tak pon hahahaha banyak shopping je), I buat business printing 1 sem dekat kawan - kawan suksis I. Tak buat bersungguh pon but every time diaorang bagi duit, I will put it in. Lagi, this sem I buat bisnes food hehe. I cooked fettucine carbonara and sold them to anyone yang order. Alhamdulillah bisnes tu berjaya dah and me and my partner bisnes dah stop dah buat due to busy weeks, nak final dah ni. At the same time, we sell burgers to students lain jugak, ambik order kat akak burger, she will send kat asrama, then jual balik dekat orang lain, delivery sampai bilik.

After siap counting, alhamdulillah sebanyak RM1,071.60 (including coins) telah berjaya saya simpan selama 1 tahun lebih. I am so proud of myself though. I did not think I could do it. Thanks to my parents who still give money for me to survive. Thank god for still giving me rezeki in any ways everyday. I am so grateful and insyallah I will not stop saving money again. 

At last, I decide to masukkan dalam ASNB with RM1K. I hope it will give benefits to me one day. To everyone who knows in detailed about ASB, please give me some thoughts about it. Comment down below okay? I will stop writing for now. I want to rest pulak, today was fun and banyak memories jadi tadi. Gratitude is a must hehe. Goodnight everyone.

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A Good Start

Alhamdulillah for still having a chance again to wake up with all given nikmat - nikmat by Allah. I am here to write about the memories that I have actually happened this morning after sahur. This post dedicates to mama who has been so tough to me and at the same time I have to be a strong person to deal with her. 

My online friend (her name is Hera) said to me once, when something happened on you must have reasons behind them. Whenever I feel something too much, it does not matter whether I am happy, broken, sad, depressed, excited, anything that happened on me, I have to write it down into somewhere that I want. For now, I am choosing a blog but normally I would just write a diary.

For this post, I feel like mama expressed her gratitude towards me in ways that only mothers can do it. I am not sure how is it, but you feel the appreciation from them. It is not like verbally or like perbuatan, it is something there that only you can feel it.

After sahur, as usual I would clean up the table and wash the dishes and Mama would cook or do something, we will be in the kitchen together. Today, she made 'halwa', desserts from buah kabung ke apa, I do not what is it but it looks like this.

 I was there looking at her while washing dishes. After that, mama wanted to make sambal tempe, she asked me to mix the ingredients (bawang goreng, cili goreng, kacang tanah, ikan bilis goreng). I was looking how she cooked it. It was really tough because I am not a good cooker but I do enjoy cooking some meals (normally I cook western food).

Gambar Google (Tempe Sira)

Resepi Sambal Tempe Mama

1. Masukkan gula dan garam secukup rasa dalam kuali panas.
2. Masukkan sikit air asam jawa and kacau sampai mendidih. 
3. Masukkan sikit air untuk kasi dia cair. Kacau sampai semuanya larut. 
4. Masukkan serbuk cili dan chili flakes dalam larutan tadi. 
5. Lepas dah larut semua, masukkan tempeh dan ingredients (bawang goreng, cili goreng, kacang tanah, ikan bilis goreng) yang kita dah gaul sebelum ni.
6. Gaul sampai ke semuanya rata dan siap.

Lepas dah siap semua, pastikan tunggu sejuk dulu and sira yang digaul tadi tu dah kering baru simpan dalam bekas tertutup biar tak masuk angin. Nanti tak sedap dan kebiasaannya kita makan sambal tempe ni waktu bulan puasa. Dia macam sambal kering yang boleh makan dengan nasi. Ala - ala sambal che nor garing gitu.

The thing that I want to tell you guys is, I am happy to have great memories with her. It was not like the intense situation where she would be angry at me for making mistakes. I will remember this memory and believe that she loves me in her ways. Thank you mama.

Terima kasih sebab dah banyak bersabar dengan kakak walaupon kakak suka balas balik apa mama cakap. Walaupon nampak tak hormat, cumanya kakak selalu buat cemtu untuk defend diri kakak. Sorry sebab dah biasakan diri macam tu. Kakak akan cuba sedaya upaya jadi anak yang terbaik untuk mama dan papa. Kakak tak nak kecewakan semua.

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I'm Sorry

I had an argument with my Mama. Mama perli me for getting up late and not making cookies earlier. Because of that, the cookies did not taste good as hers making last week. Papa and other siblings ate both of cookies, some said mine was better, mine was not good. I really did not mind about it, because I am not a good cooker actually. 

But what makes me sad is, the effort that I make during making cookies is like tak dihargai gila - gila. Mama dah buat adunan cookies after sahur, she and Papa dah kejutkan saya before nak pergi kerja, like terus buat cookies tu.

Unfortunately, I could not get up due to the medicine that I have taken after berbuka. The medication works as my sleep aid, last night I sleep kinda late as I wanted to talk Nizam more, so masa tidur saya akan drag sampai ke siang, as always since it is like sleeping pills. Mama was like salahkan saya for not being responsible towards the adunan cookie yang mama buat pagi tadi. I really made the cookies but later than I should have done at 10 am.

It was my fault, I admit it but why cannot I be appreciated after doing it all alone without any helpers, I mean, my sister did not help me. Mama was like apa yang aku buat tu semuanya macam tak bermakna untuk dia. I said, aku dah buat dah cookies tu cuma lambat, and Mama was like hating it because of it. I felt so bad until I cannot hear anything that Mama has said to me.

 I ran to my room because I cannot hold my tears any longer. I cried about 20 minutes I guess while talking to Nizam. Thanks to him for calming me down a bit and tried so hard to make me feel good even though he might feel distant with me. I appreciated his effort tho. I hope I have enough strength to face anything that makes my mind go worse. Amin.

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The Truth #1

Assalamualaikum, hari ni saya baru je lepas buat cookies, walaupon I made them alone (with Ajin's help but not so much help). I am kinda proud of myself but I am not sure how I feel. It is kinda irritated and tired. None wants to help me. Like I have to ask for help, but not everyone is willing to help. I hate this kind of situation where I do need help but none is helping me. Apa - apa pon, I just made it. Tutup cerita. Tak nak panjang - panjangkan isu yang tak penting ni. 

So, saya nak bercerita tentang one of my secrets that I have been keeping from anyone. This secret is like 1 month of letting none knows. It takes a lot of guts to write this but I want to make a clear statement to everyone around me that I am like this because I am mentally sick. I try my very best to overcome the hardness that I have been through. It is going to be a long story.

On 30th April 2019, I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia), bipolar disorder type 2 and borderline personality disorder at HOSHAS, Temerloh. I was accompanied by Supi (one of my friends, she had an appointment too). I will try my best to explain those and for the detailed one, I will post a new entry. Before I was diagnosed, I want to tell you guys how to get diagnosed to make it clear for you guys. I hope it will give you an awareness of mental health.

2 weeks before an appointment, I had a hard time with my boyfriend which makes my situation gets hard for me to handle. I have been cutting myself with anything that could make arm and wrist bleeds. I would not suggest you guys to google for it. It might trigger your mind or anything. After the hardship happened, I broke up with my boyfriend as actually I pushed him away. I could not think well since I have been depressed for a long time.

First thing I thought of when I broke up, I wanted to make myself better. I told myself, it is time for me to seek help from the professional. It was very hard for me to tell something that I have been keeping from anyone. Even my family, my friends. I was having a hard time since I was 11 or 12 something. I have been cutting since I was 11. It got worse when I am in secondary school.

I went for counseling in UiTM at KMK. It was on Monday, at around 2pm with Puan Anita. I said I want to have a consult about how to control my anger and about mental health. She asked a few questions and at last, I got the courage to tell that I have been self-harming. She asked me to show where did I do it. I had to show her and I cried while showing it because it was hard for me to open up. Nizam is the only person that I have been opening up.

I was asked to take a DASS test which I have taken for thousand times. For those yang tak tahu apa itu DASS, it stands for Depression, Anxiety, Stress Scales. The result of it was as I expected. Puan Anita terus make a phone call to Medec (klinik yang ada dekat UiTM) as it needs to be checked up. She said I have to immediately go to Medec right away after the counseling session is done. At that time, I had to skip a class for meeting a doctor at Medec.

Masa jumpa doctor kat Medec tu, sumpah anxious gila sebab I do not know what will happen next, it is not something I have planned for. Masa sampai sana, I met my old friend, Haris. We talked for a while, he was there for time slip with a medical assistant. He asked about what am I sick, but I could not tell him the truth. I felt bad actually, what can I do to make me less uncomfortable about it. I am sorry to everyone that I have lied to.

Meeting the doctor was fine but I hate it when everyone talked to me about me being a suicidal or doing self-harm has things to do with Iman or whatsoever. I really hate it when they want to relate doing such things could go to hell and stuffs. Personally, to me, for those who were suffering, did not have much choices as they are mentally unstable. They really cannot make good decisions. That is similar things to me. I really hope people out there, mind the little things that you do might trigger their irritating moods or thoughts. Please, think of something that would put you in their shoes.

The Medec has made my first appointment with a psychiatrist at HOSHAS. It made me a bit thrilled since it is my time to recover my mental health. I will continue sharing with you guys about my journey in the next post. Anything you want to know, you may comment down below or chat in the chatbox. Let me know the question in your head. I will be ready to answer those.

For those who are struggling, I pray you will be strong to face the world even if you are alone.

It is okay to feel unstable. It is okay to be confused. It is okay to hide from the world. It is okay to get a help. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to feel whatever feelings you have. Your mental illness is not your personal failure. I love you guys.

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Him

Assalamualaikum, I am writing again because I am so sad until I can cry right away. I have a boyfriend, we have been together for 1 year and 8 months. His name is Nizam. He lives in Terengganu, I would not say in a specific area. I will tell about him in the short story for anyone to understand it easier.

This is our first picture together.

I fell for him at first sight. I went to a new class which is Group C in semester 3. I had to move to the new class because my class was like disbanded. At one evening, I sat in the drawing class with Nad (my roommate) and then he came along with his friends. I totally fell for him till I asked my boyfriend, what was his name. Our first knowing each other was on 23rd September 2017. We talked through WhatsApp and then be together.

In semester 4 I think, we both like had disagreements a lot till I asked him for a breakup. He really did not want it and be there for me till we get back again. But now, he is tired of me already I guess. I think perangai aku dulu mungkin merubah diri dia because masa dulu if I wanted to break up ke apa, he sanggup jumpa aku, bawak aku jalan - jalan supaya tanak kami putus. But now he lets me be alone whenever we had arguments. We are having a hard time so many times. The first year was so great, we did get along so well. I was never crying at all. But now, all I do every day is like crying, makan hati, pendam perasaan. Those are totally not good for me.

To be honest, I am currently sick, mentally unstable. I will tell about it later. Since we argued a lot, he gets tired of me, so he did not care about me as much as he would do. He left me alone, on reading in messages every time. I feel sad whenever he does that to me. It is literally hurting me unintentionally. When I get hurt, I will cry and start to overthink. It makes things go worse when I am mentally unstable. I become so defensive till I said things that I should not have said.

Right now, I am so missing him. I wish I could make things better but I cannot do it alone. It has to be two-sided. I do not know what should I do now. Should I stop talking to him? Should I leave him alone for a while? Should I say something to him? But at the same time, I have been thinking, why would I worry about him, about us, while he did not do anything to make things better. It is like a battle in my mind right now. He said he wants to say nothing since it will make us not fighting. I hate that actually. I want him to keep talking to me.

I miss the good old days, sayang 😔

Sayang, saya tak nak kita putus. Saya tak nak kita jadi awkward. Saya nak selalu sayang awak, buatkan awak happy. Tapi semuanya salah saya sampai kita asyik - asyik jadi camni. Saya minta maaf sangat - sangat. Saya janji macam - macam dengan awak, nak berubah apa semua. Tapi saya still jadi sama. Saya cuba untuk jadi yang terbaik tapi tak sangka ia memusnahkan kita.

 Awak selalu cakap awak punca kita camni, tapi salah. Saya pon punca kita bergaduh. Saya nak sangat awak tolak ansur dengan saya selalu. Saya nak sangat awak rendahkan ego awak untuk saya. Tapi awak tak sedar pon dalam diam awak tengah sakitkan hati saya. Please, kita baiki diri kita and masing - masing sayang diri sendiri and sayang kita berdua. Saya betul - betul rindukan awak.

(1:10pm on 28th May 2019)

Awak still ignore saya walaupon saya cuba betulkan keadaan. Bila saya tanya soalan apa semua, awak still tak nak jawab elok - elok. Seolah - olah soalan saya tu tak bermakna untuk awak. Kenapa kita kena go through this shit again? Tak penat ke asyik nak tolak ansur, turunkan ego semata untuk kebahagiaan yang sementara? Saya tak faham awak, saya tak faham kita berdua. Apa sebenarnya yang kita nak? Cinta atau nafsu semata? Semoga Allah betul - betul tolong kita ke jalan takdir kita. Saya tak nak kita buang masa dan musnahkan diri sendiri untuk benda yang remeh - temeh. Saya harap awak boleh bukak mata, mana yang penting, mana yang tak penting. Kalau saya di bahagian tak penting untuk awak, harap saya tak lewat untuk menyedarinya.

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I'm Back

This is like my best selfie for this year.

Assalamualaikum. Dah berapa tahun aku tinggalkan dunia blog ni. Dulu suka sangat try edit html and jadi blog yang cantik. Now rasanya nak tulis diari je setiap masa. It is good when you write down everything and you will feel lega gila after luah everything. I think I want to let Nizam (my beloved boyfriend) knows only. I will update my blog regularly and whenever I want to write something. I hope it will make me think positively after what I have written. Like during confessing session and after calming down session.

Apa yang membuatkan aku nak join balik juga is, Haqiem, he is a stranger that I know on Telegram. He wants me to find something that I love, which I think is writing a diary. I have a lot of diaries yang penuh dengan memories and pictures. I think it is time for me to reveal my "what is going on in my life" online and obviously in public. I want to be an influencer like someone yang boleh motivate orang lain even if I could not, I try my best to be one. I will try my best to be positive as much as I could do. 

To be honest, I have kept a lot of secrets from everyone and I know some of the people that I have known are knowing about it but they want to pretend that is not a big deal to them. Today and now on, I will start my life positively and write anything I want in an online diary, every day if it is possible. I will try my best to stay calm and be patient with anything that I will be going through. Even things will hurt me, I will try to hold on. I will write as much as I could and learn from my experiences.

So, this is the first post of a diary of me in University life. I will write everything in details for the next posts. I am Nabiha Aisyah who lives in Selangor but in Putrajaya region. I study at UiTM Jengka for 3 years in Diploma in Civil Engineering. This semester would be my last semester and insyallah I will be graduated on time. For the past few years, many things happened to me but I did not tell anything to anyone that I have been suffering. If I have enough time, I will write an entry about myself that I have been keeping from everyone, including my parents and family.

To end the post, I hope I will have a great journey ahead.

Dear Allah, please give me strength even if I could. Please ease my way to live my life without worries and doubts. Please give me chances to prove myself to everyone that I am really worth it.

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