Lost

Hey guys, Assalamualaikum. I am here to share with you how I feel right now. At this moment, I feel less motivated as usual. Kinda lost, kinda numb. I do not know what to do. I know there is nothing to do about it as if I the only one who can help myself.

It has been a week, I and my boyfriend do not talk, meet up, call and etc. It makes me sad when I have to go through everything alone. What makes me sad even more, this happened to me once with my previous relationship. It hurts when someone gantung yourself tak bertali. Ever heard of that phrase kan?

A lot of my friends want me to cut off the relationship since it is not worth it to wait for. Only a friend of mine, his best friend said, it is normal for a guy to have some spaces to clear up his mind as he does not want to hurt our feelings more when he is not mentally stable. I try my best to understand but I cannot continuously understand. It is hard for me since peristiwa pahit camni datang balik dekat relationship baru camni.

I really do not want to end the relationship, I truly love him and care for him. Even he does hurt my feelings a lot, my anger towards him do not stay long as someone else does. I truly want to treasure him. I know panjang lagi perjalanan hidup, ramai nasihat cemtu and they said I do not have to stay with someone like that forever. Tapi if none is gonna stay with someone like that, why can't I stay as I still love him?

You know, I suck at keeping my anger inside, I am a very honest person, I talk everything out but I feel like this makes our relationship does not work out. Should I just stop giving chances to be a good girlfriend? Should I just give up? I do not mind if he wants his space. Just do not leave me out alone. I am not good at surviving myself. 

I try my best to keep myself at best when he is not with me. But for how long? I want to be a better girlfriend. The one who understands, who supports, who lifts him up every time he is down, the one that gives him peace and let him know he is enough in every way; that for me he is perfect and though he might not see it, I do.

Currently, I feel jealous when my roommate is on the phone with her boyfriend. I know I might not be having a good heart as someone else, but it hurts me when my boyfriend does not care about me. I am struggling with my thoughts on whether I should move on or stay with him?

I am not strong enough to be doing all of these alone. I want to learn to be strong, but not in this state. There are so many things I want to give to him, to create more memories, to learn about him, to accept him in every way, to practice everything with him, to learn life skills. I do not know.

Here is a video of someone who makes me think, waiting is not worth it. I cannot choose anything.

My mind is full of himself until I can not concentrate on my studies. It is my bad trait. I want to change it but I cannot. Are there any chances for us to be with? I really hope we can work out. Just said so when you are done with me. I will try to face and accept it.

Sayang, please don't leave me hanging...

Mind giving me a comment. I would love to hear your opinions in my situation. Thank you for reading. 

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Disappointment

Assalamualaikum, do you guys mind if I vent everything in my mind out. I'm so sad currently and even crying because none is here with me right now. I want to be strong and positive but when it comes at night, everything will fall apart. I don't know what should I do to have some strength for inner self. I recite Quran, I pray 5 times, my heart still isn't at ease.

On that day when I have a presentation about construction, we were just fine. But then I had sore eyes which needed to go to any clinics to check up, I asked him to accompany me but he said tomorrow he will go out with me. Sadly, the next day did not work out too. The evening should be the time we go out. I wanted to go to Pasar Sabtu at 6 pm but he was playing a game.

I was sulking as he still chose the game over me. When he said when we want to go out, I feel angry as to why would he bother to ask me when I tell him where I want to go with him yet he did not care. So we started to have a fight. He did not talk back, just he silently gave up on me, I assumed. Whenever I told him about my thoughts, he will do nothing about it. I also started to give up on us.

I thought to give him space would make it better and I wanted to move on from him too as I think it will be unworthy to stay hold on. But then, I was doing just fine without him for a few days as he did not care for me I assumed.

Tonight, I have a mental breakdown, I miss him so bad even I do not text him at all and he does not too, but I can't stand the silence. So I call him a few times, all are not answered. I do not know what to do. Does he really want me to stay away from him or what? I really don't know.

I feel like everything falls apart is completely my fault. I was mad and couldn't control myself till I talked bad about his father, I admit it. But he clearly acts like how his father does. I don't know. I feel like I want to run away from everything and start over my life without anyone.

I do want to move on, but I just can't. I love him so much but that does not mean I have to be hurting like this all the time. I want to heal myself. Be happy like others. I just can't move on. Anyone, who wants to help me to think better? I'm so confused. We have done many things so many times, and still fighting the next time we make up.

Stay with him or move on?

p/s: update on 19th, he said it was not a big deal since I asked and called him for hundred times. He still ignores my text and replies shortly, but thank God, he just wants his space and rests well a lot without me. I think I am going to stay with him since I still love him a lot, but everything might not be the same, I want to focus on myself. Wish me luck.

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Hectic Week

Assalamualaikum guys, it's been a while saya tak post blog ni. Hope you guys tak rindu - rindu saya la. There were a lot of things going on back few weeks tapi I don't know how to explain. Just for this entry, I'm going to talk about my hectic week after raya.

On 10th June, saya balik dari Putrajaya to Jengka since the holidays end. Actually bukak je cuti, it will be our Week 14. As we know, the week has been the killer week among others. My course didn't give a shit about raya or not, kerja jalan. At that day, it's still in the first week of raya kut, mood of doing anything for work memang takdela kan? hehe, I'm gonna drop a pic of raya of mine.

For this last semester of mine, I take 5 subjects, which is project management, bill of quantities, civil engineering design (fyp), structural rc & steel design and waster water. Supposedly, 3 subjects je but I carry 1 paper (wastewater) and repeat 1 subject (structural rc & steel design). To be short, every subject ada susah senangnya tapi kena hadapla kan? Cumanya in Week 14, semua benda assignments nak kena settle.

Okay, for bq subject, we had to construct a foundation model, a report with taking off of a house, a presentation about the foundation and assignment individual. Luckily I have great teammates who did not get mad at me for being busy. For, fyp, we had to send a lot of reports which is so thick as hell. I was having a hard time during consuming the medicines from the hospital because of my mental health issues but luckily my teammates did not get angry too.

For wastewater, we had a practical test on 11th June, like you have to come back to Jengka no matter what if not, you got 0 marks for the test. For design, the report was done yesterday which is why I can post an entry since I kinda have much time to kill. I don't know if madam will accept it because the deadline should be semalam, but I think my member send it today. I don't bother.

For pm subject, we had to construct 2 models for the construction project, had to complete a report and had a presentation about the project for the whole day. Here are our projects, through hardships with juniors, gladly the presentation went well.

This is pre-construction.

This is post-construction

Had so many things happened, yet I'm still strong (even if I had to pretend). Hopefully, I won't be down after this. I know I can go through anything if I want to.

Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.

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