Disappointment

Assalamualaikum, do you guys mind if I vent everything in my mind out. I'm so sad currently and even crying because none is here with me right now. I want to be strong and positive but when it comes at night, everything will fall apart. I don't know what should I do to have some strength for inner self. I recite Quran, I pray 5 times, my heart still isn't at ease.

On that day when I have a presentation about construction, we were just fine. But then I had sore eyes which needed to go to any clinics to check up, I asked him to accompany me but he said tomorrow he will go out with me. Sadly, the next day did not work out too. The evening should be the time we go out. I wanted to go to Pasar Sabtu at 6 pm but he was playing a game.

I was sulking as he still chose the game over me. When he said when we want to go out, I feel angry as to why would he bother to ask me when I tell him where I want to go with him yet he did not care. So we started to have a fight. He did not talk back, just he silently gave up on me, I assumed. Whenever I told him about my thoughts, he will do nothing about it. I also started to give up on us.

I thought to give him space would make it better and I wanted to move on from him too as I think it will be unworthy to stay hold on. But then, I was doing just fine without him for a few days as he did not care for me I assumed.

Tonight, I have a mental breakdown, I miss him so bad even I do not text him at all and he does not too, but I can't stand the silence. So I call him a few times, all are not answered. I do not know what to do. Does he really want me to stay away from him or what? I really don't know.

I feel like everything falls apart is completely my fault. I was mad and couldn't control myself till I talked bad about his father, I admit it. But he clearly acts like how his father does. I don't know. I feel like I want to run away from everything and start over my life without anyone.

I do want to move on, but I just can't. I love him so much but that does not mean I have to be hurting like this all the time. I want to heal myself. Be happy like others. I just can't move on. Anyone, who wants to help me to think better? I'm so confused. We have done many things so many times, and still fighting the next time we make up.

Stay with him or move on?

p/s: update on 19th, he said it was not a big deal since I asked and called him for hundred times. He still ignores my text and replies shortly, but thank God, he just wants his space and rests well a lot without me. I think I am going to stay with him since I still love him a lot, but everything might not be the same, I want to focus on myself. Wish me luck.