Wasted

Hai my online diary,  so today I want to share with you guys about how I feel today and this is the most disappointing day ever I've had. I hope I still have strength to keep my mind straight. Please don't judge me for acting so vulnerable because I'm not strong anymore. 

On Sunday, I accompanied my friend who visited his boyfriend at our campus in Penang. At first she asked me to come home and visit my boyfriend at Shah Alam, but I refused since we weren't in the good terms. After been discussing with my roommate,  I decided to take a chance to meet him and settle down. 

So, I arrived at Shah Alam at 8.30pm something, my friend asked my friend to bring my friend on the dinner with me without telling him know. At first, it was awkward. When he came in into the car, he didn't talk to me, he didn't even say hi. I made a conversation first but he seemed like don't want to talk. I reached his hand to touch, he didn't grab my hand back. I was really upset about it. It was like I was really untouchable.

We decided to have a dinner at restaurant vicchuda. I didn't order anything since I have no appetite. All of my friends talked a lot with my boyfriend while I sat there quietly. After dinner,  my boyfriend and I went to Pesko together. The festival was not really good so I asked him to sit in gazebo and talk. 

When we had a talk, it was so intense because I was very anxious with him. I even cried out loud while explaining to him and his answers were really disappointing.  I felt more upset. We had a time together alone for like only 45 minutes. I wanted to spend time more but he wanted to go back early and play games. 

So today, I asked him to go out with me but he rejected me. He went out with his aunt's family as his cousin had a convocation in his campus at Shah Alam. I didn't mind if he spent his time with his family but hm what makes me so so so upset that he clearly treated me like the last option which he didn't mind about me, visiting him for nothing and spend time together. 

Now,  he completely ignores my texts. I am crying a lot today till I got a fever. Why am I so stupid for still wanting him in my life? I've been hurting for so long and he didn't treat me right and appreciate me a lot.  I've wasted a lot of efforts, money,  strength, time and tears for him.

Just letting you know, before me and my friends went back to Shah Alam. I went to Sunway Carnival to buy gifts for him as a birthday present. I spent a lot of money on it but I don't really mind. But the sad thing is, I won't get any chances to give it to him since he didn't want to meet me. I am so upset. I'm tired of crying. Hmm. It is so painful. God, please help me out. I'm not strong anymore. This is so heavy for me to carry. 

I vented out my thoughts on snapchat to my friends. They cared for me. Some of them. But I still feel bad because they know my boyfriend is a good guy but do they know how he has been treating me like shit? I want him but there are so much going on until I really don't know what to do. 

Someone please share some opinions for me to go through this hardship. I'm not strong anymore. Every day I've been crying. I don't want to waste any valuable things anymore. I give up on everything but there's nothing I could do right now. Please pray for me. I want my love for him ended now because I think be doesn't love me anymore. Now, I'm tired of hurting. Please. Pray. For.  Me. I'm. Begging. You. Thank. You.

P/s he has replied my text,  he agreed to meet me tomorrow. We will have our last date and after the dating session, we will talk heart to heart. I will make sure he will say what he gotta say. I hope he could make a decision for us to stay or break up.  Wish us luck. I really hope if we break up, we will end in a good way. Bye. Goodnight.