Failure

Hai and Assalamualaikum. So today saya nak share about my feelings. Tak tahu nak cerita macam mana tapi I will try my best to comfort myself. Yes, it is about my boyfriend. 

The situation yang saya alami right now,  yesterday on 23rd, it was his birthday. Of course, I'm really excited about it. Tapi dia tak okay. He ignored me and I am pretending that I'm okay. 

Firstly, I gave him a box of gifts. Dalam tu ada macam macam. Ada surat, baju, topi, stocking, ubat ubat. I was asking about surat and my wishes. Dia tak baca lagi pon surat and my wishes on telegram. I was upset about it. Tapi takpe, saya cuba bersabar. 

Secondly, he completely ignored me the whole day.  Whenever I text him, he will reply so late or just biar on read. Even if I reply his message while he is online. He will immediately go offline and reply to them whenever he wants to. Tapi takpe, saya sabar lagi. 

Third, I asked him, bila balik Dungun, his hometown, but he refused to tell me. I wanted to meet him tapi he clearly doesn't want to meet me. I don't know how I feel nak balik KL esok camne. Rasa macam tak berbaloi pon balik awal semata nak jumpa dia tapi dia sendiri tak nak jumpa.

Forth, he said dia tak dapat cari tajuk untuk presentation. I wanted to help him, seriously eagerly gila nak tolong. After test, memang rancang nak tolong dia. Tapi dia asyik reject my helps. Even after my test, i texted him about it. Still he refuse to accept my help. I don't know how to feel even more he did that. 

I am waiting for him to spend some time for me. Even I was not okay throughout the day but I tried my best to be the best. Tapi still tak worth it.  He still ignores me.  I don't know what did I do wrong.. Kenapa dia layan saya macam tu sekali? Apa salah saya? 

Even if saya mengadu I'm not okay, he still doesn't care much about it. I want to change to be better, but I receive no supports from him. I feel like he has stopped loving me but he doesn't want to admit it. I'm tired of trying my really best but it is still not enough for us to have the happiness. 

Help me. I'm really in pain. I need this to stop. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to be happy like others. I want to be loved and appreciated. Will I ever be like that?? I wonder that a lot. I'm sorry. I'm such a failure. Loser girlfriend. 

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Hmm

Hai and Assalamualaikum. Hari ini saya nak share tentang my thoughts since my boyfriend tak nak bagi attention and tak nak spend masa untuk saya untuk saya bercerita.  It hurts a lot tapi nak buat macam mana. Saya dah penat nak merayu dekat dia untum dapatkan perhatian. 

Last night, I texted him banyak banyak tapi he replied to my texts lambat gila. Serious rasa turned off sebab nak bercerita sungguh sungguh tapi dia macam tak kisah. Harapnya saya masih boleh bersabar dengan dugaan ni.  Penat sebenarnya nak makan hati tapi nak buat macam mana kan? 

The thing yang I  wanted to tell him about my money. The story was really like shocking to me and I  wanted to share how excited I was tapi malangnya dia tak peduli. Saya tak nak bergaduh lagi. Cuma layanan dia sangat cold sampai I'm hurting myself in trying to fix our relationship. 

Ceritanya macam ni; yesterday, saya and kawan kawan saya baru balik ke Penang. Saya pergilah ke bank islam nak cucuk duit. After that, ada a guy ni berdiri tegak tepi bank dengan kotak derma. I put RM1 in the box. Mulanya rasa macam hm dah lamanya tak bersedekah. Padahal kena lah yakin Allah akan balas setiap tindakan kita. Pastu saya pergi makan. 

We had our dinner at Nasi Lemak Pandan Mama if I'm not mistaken. The whole day, memang I'll post on my instagram story pasal makanan yang I eat with ny friends. Then, my other friend replied to my story and wanted to tapau nasi lemak 5 bungkus. 

I bought them for her. Pastu after I went to UiTM, I let her know saya dah balik. Then dia ambik nasi lemak and makan. Later, I was doing my slide for presentation, she texted me she left some money for me sebab dah belikan nasi lemak. She gave RM 4.50 as my transport fee. 

Why am I shocked because Allah terus bagi cash to me after derma RM 1. I wanted to share with my boyfriend tapi he didn't care. So I hope this can help me ease my pain.

Sekarang ni, whenever I'm in pain, dada rasa sakit sangat, susah nak nafas, bila jumpa doktor, nak tanya,  if I have clinically anxiety. Tapi tunggu jela sebab lagi sebulan appointment. Even right now rasa tak okay, hopefully I can move on or be heartless.

I'm tired of doing my best but still not enough. I want to be appreciated and loved like others. But will I ever appreciated later? I don't know.

p/s things got worse when I layan my depression and always being selfish. Dulu selalu gaduh cakap my boyfriend selfish apa semua. For now, I realized, I yang selfish, I yang toxic, I yang entah apa-apa. Terbaca conversation lama dekat hangout google. Benda kecik pon saya akan argue and sekelip mata je tak nampak terus effort yang my boyfriend bagi. Terus tak boleh nak dengar his explaination.

I toxic. I want to change myself tapi susahnya. Sekarang ni tengah belajar memahami my boyfriend. Text him when dia tak busy sangat. Saya rindu sangat - sangat dekat dia. Rasa nak menangis je rasa. Bila baca convo lama, rasa macam what have I done for the past 2 years ni? Kenapa I treat him like a fool. Kenapa aku kejam sangat dulu?

Now, everything dah lain. He's treating me so cold and I feel distant je makin hari. Rasa ada gap besar. I don't know how to help us. Sayang sangat-sangat tapi tak tahu nak betulkan apa. Bodohnya rasa :( Tak boleh nak tolong diri sendiri. Someone, please help me?

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Happiness

Hai and Assalamualaikum, I know it has been a few days since I don't update about my trip to Shah Alam. After I posted this entry, Wasted. My boyfriend and I went out as the last date. I assumed it was but it wasn't since he treated me so well. On the day, it was very disturbing since I had to act nothing was bothering me. I didn't want my friends to know that I wasn't okay.

In the morning, I did my assignment online with my friend's laptop. Thank God she gave the best services while staying in her room and shared her bed with me. After that, I studied some subjects which I brought some books with me. It was raining and I kinda felt down since I wanted to spend a lot of time with him. But I cheered me up.

My friend was excited for me, she even let me borrowed her shirt to me looking good and her car for me to go around Shah Alam with my boyfriend. It took a few minutes for the rain to stop. I waited for him in the car and I always get excited whenever he enters the car. I always smile and ask how is he doing? And he always acts cool hmmm.

He drove me to Central i-city. Shah Alam has always bad traffic jam. So around 5.45pm, we arrived. there. We went to the cinema first to check the time show out. We wanted to watch 'Joker'. Our time show at 7.20pm. So while waiting for the movie, we went around the mall.

Firstly, we went to the Boat Noodles, I asked him a thousand times to try it out haha since he didn't like something new. At last, he agreed to eat there. I ordered for us since the first time I ate with my friends and I only loved some of the food, so I would like him to try what I love too. We ate 'Dry Tom Yum Beef Rice Noodles' and 'Ka Nom Jeen Beef Springy Noodles'. I wanted to let him try Sangkaya Bread but I didn't have much money so we just tried the noodles only.

I was busy taking pics while he ate the food silently.

We tried the noodles only and they were too spicy but we didn't order the drink since it was kinda expensive for us. So he suggested to me after we ate, we will go to Tealive. I asked him to us drop by at Family Mart since I wanted ice cream. He was okay with it. We went to Family Mart instead. It was our first ice cream date, we bought ice creams and searching for somewhere we can chill like a park around the mall. We couldn't find it but we sat in the area where there were benches and sofas.

Our first ice cream date with Belgian Dark Chocolate Sofuto

The ice cream tasted so good as I would rate 9.5/10. He loves chocolate so much so I thought it would be good way to tackle his heart with ice cream. We chilled and had so much fun while waiting for the time show. Then, we went to the Brand Outlets, oh my god, the clothes there were so freaking nice until I asked him to go out, the tempting to buy clothes were really high.

Then, we went to watch 'Joker'. The movie was about mental illness and stuff, it was heavy for me to watch because I also have a mental illness, I felt so deeply while watching it. If you want to know about mental health entries, you may click here. Whenever it showed something explicit content or anything, I let him know how I felt. I felt somehow safe with him. He was there for me even though I didn't know if he would love to support me or not. Most of the times I felt sad watching the movie.

The movie ended at 9.30pm, we decided to eat somewhere but we have lost and didn't know where our car was parked. It took some time to find it. At 10pm, I was having a hard time since it has a few minutes for us to spend time together and tomorrow, I will be back to Penang. He drove to McDonald's to eat. I suddenly started to cry a lot.

I didn't know what happened to me but I cried while asking him to have an overnight with me somewhere where we can talk more and spend more time together. But he refused since he has a morning class tomorrow. UiTM Shah Alam also for his course, wanting 100% attendance. So, he couldn't skip any classes. I was freaking out knowing there didn't have much time.

He bought a set of burger then we stopped by at gas station since I was crying so hard. I didn't want the date ended. I wanted to spend much more time because I bought him a box of gift before I came Shah Alam. After he calmed me down, I gave him the gift which I hid in the car bonnet. He looked surprised and I loved looking at his happy face.

When we talked after this and that, we went back to UiTM since the gate will be closed at 11pm. I was really happy that he wanted to meet me. We were okay and we both promised to be there for each other and be better for now. I hope we could make it, the LDR thing. Amiin and Insyallah.

The next morning, I had to choose to spend time with my friend or him, but at last, my friend wanted me to spend time with him for the last time. I was glad she lets me. My boyfriend drove me to MRT Sungai Buloh because I and my friends will go to Penang from there. Even though, we lost ways to get there and he didn't know much about driving in Selangor but he was worried when we get there a bit late but was on time. The way he was worrying about me makes me so loved. I wish I could appreciate him more which is hard for me while struggling with BPD.

Driving from Shah Alam to MRT Sg Buloh for sending me off to Penang

I really hope we can be working this out. Together. We won't ever be giving up on each other. I asked him about was he already reading my love letter in his gift box. He said he didn't since his birthday is not around yet. He will read on his birthday. He is very cute. I hope we both can appreciate and respect each other more, even if I am struggling with mental illness.

It takes an hour and a half to write this entry, please comment out below to give opinions. I don't mind anything you want to comment on. Perhaps, give me some tips about doing LDR things, maybe? Thank you for reading this. I got a handball training, I will write some other entries sometime. I hope you guys won't be bored reading my blogs. BYE <3 

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Wasted

Hai my online diary,  so today I want to share with you guys about how I feel today and this is the most disappointing day ever I've had. I hope I still have strength to keep my mind straight. Please don't judge me for acting so vulnerable because I'm not strong anymore. 

On Sunday, I accompanied my friend who visited his boyfriend at our campus in Penang. At first she asked me to come home and visit my boyfriend at Shah Alam, but I refused since we weren't in the good terms. After been discussing with my roommate,  I decided to take a chance to meet him and settle down. 

So, I arrived at Shah Alam at 8.30pm something, my friend asked my friend to bring my friend on the dinner with me without telling him know. At first, it was awkward. When he came in into the car, he didn't talk to me, he didn't even say hi. I made a conversation first but he seemed like don't want to talk. I reached his hand to touch, he didn't grab my hand back. I was really upset about it. It was like I was really untouchable.

We decided to have a dinner at restaurant vicchuda. I didn't order anything since I have no appetite. All of my friends talked a lot with my boyfriend while I sat there quietly. After dinner,  my boyfriend and I went to Pesko together. The festival was not really good so I asked him to sit in gazebo and talk. 

When we had a talk, it was so intense because I was very anxious with him. I even cried out loud while explaining to him and his answers were really disappointing.  I felt more upset. We had a time together alone for like only 45 minutes. I wanted to spend time more but he wanted to go back early and play games. 

So today, I asked him to go out with me but he rejected me. He went out with his aunt's family as his cousin had a convocation in his campus at Shah Alam. I didn't mind if he spent his time with his family but hm what makes me so so so upset that he clearly treated me like the last option which he didn't mind about me, visiting him for nothing and spend time together. 

Now,  he completely ignores my texts. I am crying a lot today till I got a fever. Why am I so stupid for still wanting him in my life? I've been hurting for so long and he didn't treat me right and appreciate me a lot.  I've wasted a lot of efforts, money,  strength, time and tears for him.

Just letting you know, before me and my friends went back to Shah Alam. I went to Sunway Carnival to buy gifts for him as a birthday present. I spent a lot of money on it but I don't really mind. But the sad thing is, I won't get any chances to give it to him since he didn't want to meet me. I am so upset. I'm tired of crying. Hmm. It is so painful. God, please help me out. I'm not strong anymore. This is so heavy for me to carry. 

I vented out my thoughts on snapchat to my friends. They cared for me. Some of them. But I still feel bad because they know my boyfriend is a good guy but do they know how he has been treating me like shit? I want him but there are so much going on until I really don't know what to do. 

Someone please share some opinions for me to go through this hardship. I'm not strong anymore. Every day I've been crying. I don't want to waste any valuable things anymore. I give up on everything but there's nothing I could do right now. Please pray for me. I want my love for him ended now because I think be doesn't love me anymore. Now, I'm tired of hurting. Please. Pray. For.  Me. I'm. Begging. You. Thank. You.

P/s he has replied my text,  he agreed to meet me tomorrow. We will have our last date and after the dating session, we will talk heart to heart. I will make sure he will say what he gotta say. I hope he could make a decision for us to stay or break up.  Wish us luck. I really hope if we break up, we will end in a good way. Bye. Goodnight. 

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Hopeless

Hai and Assalamualaikum.  So today I want to share with you guys about my feelings. So today, I messed things up again between me and my boyfriend over small things and useless one. 

We are fighting again and again. He gives me his silent treatment which I really hate. I don't know what to do.  I uninstalled telegram which the only app that we use to communicate.  I told him what is wrong and how I felt.  He still didn't reply to me. So I said sorry to him and immediately delete telegram. 

I feel like right now,  whatever I feel or think, it won't be a matter to him. I tried my best to be doing my life at my best even though I'm struggling. But all of those seem nothing to him.  I started to give up on myself because I clearly don't receive any supports from him which I really need the most.  

Even right now, I'm crying over a guy who doesn't love me hard like I do. I'm tired of giving my best to love him but I gain no happiness.  I hate myself more for not moving on from someone like him.  I am sorry for him more than sorry for myself. 

Although I am so in pain,  I still care about him more than myself. I'm losing myself again. It hurts so bad but I don't know how to help myself. It sucks. I am suck. Why do I still live in the past? Why do I still hope for someone who doesn't love me or care about me? Why am I still even live? 

I question to myself every day. Why am I still holding on? I give up on myself but I still do nothing. I want to end myself but I couldn't do it. Why do I still take the medicine if I still don't get better?? Can someone answer all of those questions? I'm tired.  I'm in pain. I feel numb yet worrying over useless things.  I'm hurting myself.  Emotionally and physically. Hope god answer my question thoughts.

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Pray

Hai and Assalamualaikum, I know it's been a while I don't write on the blog and I am sorry for that. I might not be replying to your comments for the last entries I wrote. I am trying my best to reply on by one and I hope you guys won't stop reading my entries. Thank you.

Today, I would like to share with you guys about today. I went to the counseling session as my depression is getting worse. As an introduction, on 2nd September 2019, I got into UiTM Pulau Pinang for the course of Civil Engineering Infrastructure. Things were hard for me since I told my parents about it. To be short, my boyfriend and I were never good until now. I keep blaming myself for whatever is happening between us.

After a few weeks in Degree, I tried to call Hospital Bukit Mertajam about my issue. The issue is I need to go home for an appointment at Hospital Putrajaya on 30th September. So, I went to Hospital Bukit Mertajam as they want me to give a referral letter and book an appointment date for me to check up. When I got there, I got lost because the hospital was so packed with people.

So, I went to the psychiatric section and gave the letter to a nurse. I was so nervous and anxious because I went there alone and only my new friends knew about it. It took like 15 minutes for my turn. The nurse asked questions and I was not taking any medicines because it is out of stock. The nurse consulted with a doctor and they gave me permission to collect the medicines at the pharmacy.

Currently, I am on my medication but still, it got worse. I decided to ask the counseling unit for the psychoeducation since my boyfriend and I was not in the good terms which trigger me a lot. So, my counselor asked me to do some tasks for myself to adapt in order to manage how to control myself not to self-harm and maybe other ways to help me someday.

I am texting my boyfriend about it and I don't know what will he respond since he won't reply to any messages I've sent. I want to make things right. Is there any chance for me to fix my relationship? Right now, I don't know what to write anymore, I am feeling so down. I am sorry everyone.

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